Dear Someone

You ask me if I’m okay..
And I don’t know whether to tell a lie, or to just let you know how torn up I really am and have been.

You ask me what is new..
And I don’t know whether to lie, and tell you nothing, or to let you know that I have developed horrible trust issues.

You ask me how I’ve been..
And I don’t know whether to lie, and tell you I’ve been well, or to tell you I just made it out of an abusive relationship, with every part of me still half alive.

Or I should tell you that my life has been crumbling around me like a building thousands of years old..

I should probably lie. And I should tell you that everything has been okay lately, even though it hasn’t.

But the sky is really beautiful right now… And I know that I’m often sad, but there are moments when I fall madly in love with the world, and I allow myself to love all the oxygen inside my lungs..

And I’m not scared anymore.

Not scared of losing someone I care most about.
Not scared of what will happen to me tomorrow.
Not scared of anyone who has ever hurt me.
Not scared of the people I have had to let go from my life coming back and haunting me.
Not scared of being myself.
Not scared of being who I was meant to be.
Not scared of my dad.
Not scared of that guy in year 9 telling me he loved me and then leaving me.
Not scared of that guy when I was 17 telling me he loved me and that I was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen and then destroying me.

Not scared of anything.

Not scared of living.
Not scared of waking up tomorrow.

Not scared of showing him how I truly feel.
Not scared of it blowing up in my face.
Not scared of the sun shining.
Not scared of being angry.

Not scared of being me.
Not scared of being happy, only for the possibility that it might be ripped away tomorrow.

I’m not sad anymore.
I’m not scared anymore.
I’m not alone anymore.


I am me.
I am here.
I am breathing.
I am feeling.
I am doing okay.
I am learning.
I own up to what I have become.
I am proud of myself again.


And god, do I feel alive.

If this is what ‘alive’ feels like,
 I never want to go back.

I never want to feel all that pain again.
I don’t want to die anymore..


I want to live.

I don’t want to die anymore…

The great thing about pets...

The great thing about pets is that they love you without judgment.

If you're angry, they help you be calm.
If you're sad, they comfort you, and check on you.
If you're crying, they're right there with you.
If you are lonely, they'll keep you company.

No matter what you've done to them as an owner, you'll always be loved by them.

No matter the highs or lows you go through, they'll always be there.

Your pets are your true soulmates, and the real best friends in your life.

No matter where you lead, they follow, without question.

You build trust in this being, and they build their trust in you.

They are loyal through and through, and once you have to make the decision to let go of them, and put them out of their pain, it is the hardest thing you have to go through.

To feel your soulmate go cold in your arms, and see them have to leave you like that, it changes your life, and the appreciation you have for life.

How valuable the life of another is!

How cherished everything on this planet should be!

Once they're gone, you realize how much you need them.

Pets never abandon you. No matter what.
They never hate you. No matter what.
They're loyal to you. No matter what.

So why not do the same for them?

You Remember...

              You're the best friend I've ever had...


Who knows if you'll even stumble across this, but even if you don't, everyone else that does can see how much you've changed me, and cared for me.


I've learned over this 10 years of friendship that love never goes away.
             Once you love someone, you don't just get over them, or move on.
         They're always there, in your heart, and mind.
               You may not always have thoughts of them, but when you do, you know exactly the memories you had together, and you remember how fun it was to be with and around them.

You remember the times in school when you would stand up for each other, or play on the playground together.

You remember sharing school lunch potatoes, because they always taste the best.

You remember the field days, when you met each others' parents, and you remember that girls always win.

You remember graduating grade 5 with one another, and crying in fear you'd never see the other again.

You remember seeing each other again at an elementary school gathering for our younger siblings, and reconnecting.

You remember going to high school together, and living next to each other.

You remember long nights, trying to fix what someone else had broken: Your best friend.
You remember spending summers together, and never hating a second of that.

You remember midnight swims, and cases upon cases of Mountain Dew.

You remember mall visits, and you remember awkward exchanges with cute people.

You remember sharing everything, and not keeping anything from the other.

         You remember the feelings you have for each other, and how nothing will tear that apart.

         Not distance, not time, and not other people.

You try and hold on to every single moment you've ever spent with each other because you don't know when and if some day, we'll no longer be together, because the stars chose to take one of us to another world.

    You always tell the other how much you love them.
       You never let her forget it.
    You get jealous because someone else got to experience her first Warped Tour with her..
        You introduce her to some guy she's totally falling for, but you make sure she doesn't lay it all out on the      table right away.
    You make sure she's careful. You make sure that you're there to cushion the blows when it gets rough.
    You make sure there's always at least one person to love her.
    You create a bond in her life and your own that is more special than anything.
    You tell her she's beautiful every day, enough to where she sees it too.
    You answer the phone when she calls, no matter when, just in case she needs you.
    You never leave her side.
    You never hurt her, and you do your best to keep others from doing so.

 She's your world, and you'll always love her.

And you'll always remember.

She's the best thing that's ever happened to you, and that you never should let go of that.

She's your best friend, and you love her.
She's special, and she's dear.
And she's important, and precious.
And you love her, you love her.. You love her..

Letter to 16 Year Old Me

Dear Self,

          Let me start by saying that you're not the pile of dirt you think you are.
How many times have you screwed up?
          -A lot.
How many times have you wanted to start over?
          -Too many to count accurately.

Why are you still here?
Because you never gave up.

I get it, life is hard. But do you realize how much harder it would be without the people that care about you?
I know you think you'll never get past this hard time you're having, but I can assure you that you will..
You don't realize how special you are. You don't realize how beautiful and talented you are.

That's because you don't listen to the people that tell you all of those things, because you think they're biased, or just saying those things to comfort you. They're not. You're amazing, and you need to know that, and you need to be proud of yourself. You need to take control of your own soul, and tell yourself how much you love yourself every single day. I don't care how bad that day was, or even how good it was. I don't care if other people tell you that they love you. You need to tell yourself. 

You have already had a huge impact on so many peoples' lives without realizing it. 
You know those children you teach music to during the summer? They love you. 
You know those people that bullied you in school? They regret it.
You know that huge mistake you made in grade 8? No one cares anymore. They've forgiven and forgotten.

You are SO valuable, and you can't let someone take that from you.

Stop telling yourself that you're not pretty.
Stop telling yourself not to trust anyone.
Stop telling yourself that none of this is worth it.
Do NOT think you aren't going to make it through this.
You have grown so much already, and I know first hand that you are capable of great things. But to succeed, first, you must go and do. 
"Do or do not. There is no try."Stick to these words. They are more true than you'll realize.

You're amazing, and I love you.

Love,
Self.

"I wish I could go back and change things.."

Why?

Everything happens for a reason..
Whether that reason be for growth, or to bring someone back down to the level they're really supposed to be on.

Just because you think you're better than someone, that doesn't mean you aren't the same. You make decisions, and you're made to live with them for a reason.

That's why we can't go back. We're stuck wishing.
Live with the choices you've made.. They're important, whether you want them to be or not. 

I Forgive You

I forgive you. I'm not going to resent it anymore.

 I'm not going to be let down anymore. 

All you can do is move on.

 Life continues even after all other things have died. 

Time keeps on, the sun keeps burning, and the earth keeps spinning.

 Everything is too short to hold grudges, and to hold on to pain.

I forgive you.

I forgive you.


-Aubrey Grey

Letter to All Friends and Family

To all of my friends, and family,

I realize that I may have disconnected, and lost touch with you, but I wanted to let you know that I still care about you. I never meant to leave you. I never meant to hurt you. I have realized now, after a lot of mistakes, that you’re what will always be important to me, and that I shouldn’t have ever taken any of you for granted for another person to fill all of your shoes. I never realized how much I lost by trying to gain something that I thought was better, until now.

Do I regret it? No.. Because it made me appreciate every single one of you so much more. Once I came back to Earth from being away from everyone, I realized how I missed you. I missed out on a lot, because of decisions I made, and I may have hurt you, and I’m sorry. Sorry doesn’t even come close to how I feel, but I didn’t ever mean for this all to come so far and to put myself in a position to have almost lost every single one of you.

You are the people who have been there for me if I needed you, but I never recognized the fact that you were there even though I wasn’t. Even though I was completely checked out of my life, too worried about someone else’s, you were there. If I needed you, you were there. If I needed you but didn’t THINK I needed you, you were there. Even after I disappeared, I still had people to care for me, without me realizing it.

My priorities haven’t been straight in my life, but it’s never too late to fix something, and I need to do this now.

YOU are what was, are, and always will be important to me.

YOU are the ones who I cherish most.

YOU may come and go in my life physically, but you’ll always remain a memory, of a time when everything was okay.

YOU will always be the reminders that life has so much to offer to me, and I don’t need to give up on who, and what I believe in.

YOU have brought so much joy into my life, and I have no regrets as far as any of you are concerned. I’m proud to have every single one of you in my life.

I will never forget any of you; I’ll never let the bad times overrule the good.

All of my memories of my life, and how it was will always be the good side of things.

I won’t shut you out.

I won’t pretend you don’t exist anymore.
And most importantly, I’m never going to give up on you, and I’m never going to let go of you.

In my life now, I am happy. I am content. I don’t need another person to make me happy. I need me to make me happy, and I’ve learned that in a bit of a hard way.

But lessons are made to be learned, and I don’t regret anything.

I learned from it, and I learned that in life, family and friends are the most important things in this world next to you.

Cherish yourself, love yourself, and believe in yourself.

Smile, and never let the worst times run your life.

You never know when it could all be ripped away from you.

Don’t take your life and everything in it for granted. Because that is when you’ll learn how important it all is. Don’t let someone else control you, or ruin YOU. Be your own person. Fall in love with yourself, and never let go of the things that make you who you are. Not for anyone, or anything.

You’re beautiful. You’re amazing. You’re perfect. Your flaws shouldn’t be flaws to you. They’re what make you who you are, and you don’t need to resent the world, or even yourself for that. Love every single thing about yourself. Trust me, it makes you happier.

When someone compliments you, don’t point out your flaws. They see them, but they appreciate them, and they appreciate you on some level, and they mean what they say.

Don’t let people teach you that the following things are correct:
     -Never trust anyone.
     -Hate everyone.
     -You’re not perfect.
     -You’re wrong.

Those people don’t value anything enough.
Be who you want to be.

Do what makes YOU happy. If you want something, obtain it. Don’t let someone stand in your way.

Don’t hate everyone just to make you feel safe. Love is much safer than hate. Don’t automatically judge someone by what they look like, and hate them from the start. “Even Lucifer fell from Heaven.”
Give people a chance to know you, and care about you. You probably need it and don’t realize it. Let life guide you, and don’t be irrational. Your life is important. Don’t throw it away just because you feel like there’s not a way out. That’s a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Believe that in time things do, in fact, get better. Don’t forget that someone somewhere will always find you important. Don’t forget that you’re loved.


                                             

                                                          Life is better than we make it out to be… We just have to live.




With all of my heart and soul,

Aubrey