Toxic

by Aubrey Grey


I won’t say I wasn’t somewhat to blame.
But you my dear, were toxic.
You came in and scooped me up at my lowest– when I thought I needed you.
I didn’t know any better.

I was broken and you had all the right words.
You knew what to say to open me up and let you in.
The drugs were a nice relief as well.
We fell in love on drugs, and once they ran out, I realized how very wrong we were for one another.
And you my dear, were toxic.

So much, I wished I had changed my mind.
So much, I wish I could erase you and all the pain and sorrow you left for me.
I didn’t want much– just to breathe easy.
But somehow you suffocated and drowned me.
You my dear, were toxic.

I never knew what it was like to die until you left.
I never knew what it was like to live until I left.
I never thought I’d make it without you.

But the truth is:
A flower will only grow when watered, and nurtured.
And you were poison.
You, my dear, were toxic.

Warrior

by: Aubrey Grey

The first time we met, you were a warrior.
You had blood in your hair and a fire in your heart, and war in your eyes.
You saw me and I ended the war.
I set a spark- a collision that replaced that war with stars in your eyes.

However, the next time we met, you quickly changed your heart and tried to destroy mine.
The warrior I met was not as noble as he seemed.
This one tore apart heart strings, and tore down a loving hand.
This one set me on fire.
The last time we met, you were a coward.
You looked away as I spoke of the pain you caused.
You raised your hand at me a final time, and as I made you fall to the ground, I saw the fear in your eyes that you once saw in others.
You looked up with tear-filled eyes as I drew my sword, and led you straight to the gates of Hell.

You were never a true warrior.

I was.

Trembling

by: Aubrey Grey

Quite often I’ve found myself trembling,
Holding on to what I had hoped was left.
Watching him sink deep, away from devotion,
Watching myself fall farther away from the reality that he’s taken me for granted.
Wishing to go back to when it felt as though he loved me
Wanting to feel his loyalty by looking at his face alone.
Longing for what has been gone for quite some time.
One day you wake up and learn your darkest fears aren’t the boogeyman or Krampus–   Your darkest fear is to never gain anything in return for everything your oh so broken soul has dealt to the wrong people.

Enough

by: Aubrey Grey

Maybe it was too soon
Maybe we weren’t cut out for one another
Maybe it wasn’t meant to be

You thought I was different, and I thought you were, too
But sometimes, thinking isn’t enough

Sometimes, it takes multiple wrongs and hundreds of mistakes
To find that what you thought was best
Was really the worst
And that what scared you the most was inevitable

Whether you were ready for this was soon questioned
And the answers he was looking for– well
You couldn’t provide

So, it fell to pieces- it was pure destruction
You didn’t have the time or will to fix it
He asked why you wanted to leave, but no answer was good enough

Nothing you did was ever good enough
Whether you fought, whether you died for him–
Never enough

So you packed your things like the fighter you are
And you left with grief and anguish in your heart

Because to someone else, taking care of yourself was selfish
Because they didn’t feel the pain and torment they caused
Because to some people, it’s never enough to love them while you’re dying

But you were strong
And you will forever be
More than enough

Dear Someone

You ask me if I’m okay..
And I don’t know whether to tell a lie, or to just let you know how torn up I really am and have been.

You ask me what is new..
And I don’t know whether to lie, and tell you nothing, or to let you know that I have developed horrible trust issues.

You ask me how I’ve been..
And I don’t know whether to lie, and tell you I’ve been well, or to tell you I just made it out of an abusive relationship, with every part of me still half alive.

Or I should tell you that my life has been crumbling around me like a building thousands of years old..

I should probably lie. And I should tell you that everything has been okay lately, even though it hasn’t.

But the sky is really beautiful right now… And I know that I’m often sad, but there are moments when I fall madly in love with the world, and I allow myself to love all the oxygen inside my lungs..

And I’m not scared anymore.

Not scared of losing someone I care most about.
Not scared of what will happen to me tomorrow.
Not scared of anyone who has ever hurt me.
Not scared of the people I have had to let go from my life coming back and haunting me.
Not scared of being myself.
Not scared of being who I was meant to be.
Not scared of my dad.
Not scared of that guy in year 9 telling me he loved me and then leaving me.
Not scared of that guy when I was 17 telling me he loved me and that I was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen and then destroying me.

Not scared of anything.

Not scared of living.
Not scared of waking up tomorrow.

Not scared of showing him how I truly feel.
Not scared of it blowing up in my face.
Not scared of the sun shining.
Not scared of being angry.

Not scared of being me.
Not scared of being happy, only for the possibility that it might be ripped away tomorrow.

I’m not sad anymore.
I’m not scared anymore.
I’m not alone anymore.


I am me.
I am here.
I am breathing.
I am feeling.
I am doing okay.
I am learning.
I own up to what I have become.
I am proud of myself again.


And god, do I feel alive.

If this is what ‘alive’ feels like,
 I never want to go back.

I never want to feel all that pain again.
I don’t want to die anymore..


I want to live.

I don’t want to die anymore…

The great thing about pets...

The great thing about pets is that they love you without judgment.

If you're angry, they help you be calm.
If you're sad, they comfort you, and check on you.
If you're crying, they're right there with you.
If you are lonely, they'll keep you company.

No matter what you've done to them as an owner, you'll always be loved by them.

No matter the highs or lows you go through, they'll always be there.

Your pets are your true soulmates, and the real best friends in your life.

No matter where you lead, they follow, without question.

You build trust in this being, and they build their trust in you.

They are loyal through and through, and once you have to make the decision to let go of them, and put them out of their pain, it is the hardest thing you have to go through.

To feel your soulmate go cold in your arms, and see them have to leave you like that, it changes your life, and the appreciation you have for life.

How valuable the life of another is!

How cherished everything on this planet should be!

Once they're gone, you realize how much you need them.

Pets never abandon you. No matter what.
They never hate you. No matter what.
They're loyal to you. No matter what.

So why not do the same for them?

You Remember...

              You're the best friend I've ever had...


Who knows if you'll even stumble across this, but even if you don't, everyone else that does can see how much you've changed me, and cared for me.


I've learned over this 10 years of friendship that love never goes away.
             Once you love someone, you don't just get over them, or move on.
         They're always there, in your heart, and mind.
               You may not always have thoughts of them, but when you do, you know exactly the memories you had together, and you remember how fun it was to be with and around them.

You remember the times in school when you would stand up for each other, or play on the playground together.

You remember sharing school lunch potatoes, because they always taste the best.

You remember the field days, when you met each others' parents, and you remember that girls always win.

You remember graduating grade 5 with one another, and crying in fear you'd never see the other again.

You remember seeing each other again at an elementary school gathering for our younger siblings, and reconnecting.

You remember going to high school together, and living next to each other.

You remember long nights, trying to fix what someone else had broken: Your best friend.
You remember spending summers together, and never hating a second of that.

You remember midnight swims, and cases upon cases of Mountain Dew.

You remember mall visits, and you remember awkward exchanges with cute people.

You remember sharing everything, and not keeping anything from the other.

         You remember the feelings you have for each other, and how nothing will tear that apart.

         Not distance, not time, and not other people.

You try and hold on to every single moment you've ever spent with each other because you don't know when and if some day, we'll no longer be together, because the stars chose to take one of us to another world.

    You always tell the other how much you love them.
       You never let her forget it.
    You get jealous because someone else got to experience her first Warped Tour with her..
        You introduce her to some guy she's totally falling for, but you make sure she doesn't lay it all out on the      table right away.
    You make sure she's careful. You make sure that you're there to cushion the blows when it gets rough.
    You make sure there's always at least one person to love her.
    You create a bond in her life and your own that is more special than anything.
    You tell her she's beautiful every day, enough to where she sees it too.
    You answer the phone when she calls, no matter when, just in case she needs you.
    You never leave her side.
    You never hurt her, and you do your best to keep others from doing so.

 She's your world, and you'll always love her.

And you'll always remember.

She's the best thing that's ever happened to you, and that you never should let go of that.

She's your best friend, and you love her.
She's special, and she's dear.
And she's important, and precious.
And you love her, you love her.. You love her..